What Now

I have been debating that question for the past couple of days. Okay, it may have been months but who is counting. I had decided one lonely night at work that i was going to be inspired to carry my poetry into longer form and create a novel. Now all i needed was something to write about. That shouldn't be hard considering I’m never with out some kind of words to put together, granted I’m not a big out loud talker to people but believe me there is plenty in my mind left unsaid. That funny little quip that i could have released at the co worker who stuck her foot in her mouth, or the loving words i thought about my daughter as she slept so peacefully behind her fort made from a bed sheet and a school student style desk, or the consistency of my husband belting out Chick ah cherry Cola when ever i play a certain song or saying POP when every the radar detector buzzes with a flashing P.

Point is i was going to write, but someone failed to remind me that i have yet to really finish any project outside of work and reading a complete book (believe me the book has to be amazing for me to finish...i have started more books then i have finished.) Why don't i follow through? Its not for lack of interest there are still so many "scenes" for each of my characters to go through, so many experiences that i want to put on paper and have it bound for other to judge and critique...lessen. Maybe that’s my problem, I’m scared to fail? No, i don't feel scared to fail. I may feel unequipped at times, but not afraid of failure, maybe its ADHD.

For years i have focused or blocked out feeling or unwanted thoughts or to many thoughts by touching each finger tip like my fingers are running scales or the frets of a guitar. It has always calmed me and i never looked at it as anything other then an unusual habit. Come to find out it has a name and a purpose; i have noticed i have been doing it a lot more lately. Does that mean anything? Probably not, but back to my non-finishing issues. I have started 4 books. Granted, the first try was a complicated subject. I would start off with something traumatic to learn about. The second was better and i made it through 14 chapters but not with out confusing myself with having 5 main characters (or should i say strong characters) I am compelled to write a prequel story for each character that will probably never see the light of day but non-the less I want write it, i have not finished the initial writing and won't finish until i have sorted that out. The third attempt was better i knew where i was going just not fully enough to not skip around scenes. The fourth was well i started NANO last November and i didn’t want to screw up the book i had started you know the 3rd attempt so i picked an idea out of my idea book (one that i least liked) and went at it. I am still working on that and it is coming along well....that is till i deleted half of it exchanged characters, took out a main antagonist and made the once "good guy" to play a dual character and then from left field comes (insert character name i will not disclose here) who was a minor character that was just a vehicle to play out another scene and now he is the unsuspected hero so to speak. Do i like where it is headed yes! Have I written anything in a week? NO!
I better go break is over at work.
Do i expect anyone to read this? No! But, gohlie gee if i don't feel a little less defective now.
Another thing, I am refusing to edit this i am posting it with typos and grammatical errors and what ever other English language law i broke...