Unknown

When all your thoughts are scattered like dust into the wind,

When all your dreams are shattered who’s left to be the mend?

When the broken finally crumble, their hearts a glass marked stone

With chips and cracks they shatter when their hateful words are thrown.

When all who are left broken their pieces all the same,

who takes apart the misery to cover all the pain?

Will I ever be that whole again? That beauty I once was, as reflective as a mirror and as see through as the sun.

My shallow heart now hums to the silence it once screamed to tired to keep trying to lost in melody ready to start flying to a place where life remains the simple thing it started when I covered all my pain. Not with words but with actions the slicing of the blade with every crimson color my body did it stain but in my eyes so lovely did I see no hurt to bare for every slicing color did wash away its share

Leaving me so lonely with a satisfying gleam that even those who knew me could not tell it was a scheme.

For if they looked to closely they might see my every pain covered oh so deeply by the scars that leave their names.

Character Post

(sometimes it is creativly productive to write from a characters POV....As always i am protesting editing so ....deal or don't read.)

Being stuck in the middle.... the missing peice to two peoples halves, leave me empty with out answers. How can there be so much certainity in the uncertain. The question why is the only words that come to mind, even if i find the why it won't negate the how, the if, and the pending sorrow. Have i not been logical this whole time, have i not hidden my heart away so that it may not be torn in peices by either distroyer? Have i not pretended to understand when nothing but question clouded every thought that bombarded my mind. To play two roles, two people, two sepreate souls, how will i ever be whole? Is it better to be without? To cut away from both struggles and just rest in the silence of my loneliness...

Further Down The Rabbit Hole

The deeper I go the more I struggle to claw my way around. No, not up or down, just around as in a circle. I can't really type right now, I am tired, and just...well, tired of worrying. So, I will not be blogging about this tonight. I am going to set the computer down and just find something else to do. I love to write and i find it soothing that i have a place to go write. A place where i don't have to sensor my fear because everyone that i would worry about knowing i am scared well they know nothing of this blog so ....to all those strangers out there reading this. Pray for me. Even if your not a prayer type person God hears you just the same.

Yours in Worn Worry,
Shay

Losing Control

It is amazing how people grasp for control in every situation. No matter how small the tiny piece of control makes us feel secure in a way. Secure that we can in deed influence what happens next...That since of control was just shattered for me. I came to the very real ...realization that no matter what I have no control. Does that make me fight harder for control? Will I become submissive to the fact that what will happen WILL happen?

The smallest thing can change your life for the better or worse and whose to say we have any control over that? Sure we can pick which side of the sidewalk we walk down, or what train to take, or who to talk to. All wonderful forms of control, but can you make your heart beat one extra time or one less for that matter? Can you ensure that it will continue to do its vital job of keeping you alive? Can you make it stop skipping when someone you long for enters a room? Nope, you can't as i have so grimly come to realized.

Every time my heart flip flops and sends a shooting feeling through my body that makes me feel as if i have just jumped backwards off a skyscraper I am reminded that something so small that I can not see controls the vital functions of my body. Will it continue to provide vital assistance? That is the question i am faced with today...

I have prayed, I have cried, I have been angry, but I know God....and daily i have to remind myself  that he has and always is in control.

Judgemental

So, the question of the day is...*drum roll* Why are celebrities held at higher standards then the rest of the population? Okay, so there are two questions, the second being: Why do people care how much a celebrity weighs, or what haircut they have?

Example: Me just your typical introvert decides to put on 20lbs (I use decide loosely here). Would that matter to anyone other than myself? No. It really would not be considered front-page news. However, if a celebrity, like Wentworth Miller or Tonya Harding, put on 20lbs its front-page news. (I am not putting them in the same category they are just the two people that popped in my head at the time.)

How can someone live happily under such scrutiny? People debate that celebrities willingly put themselves under the microscope when they choose to become actors. That may be true to a degree. I believe if you have a passion for something you fight for it, take the good with the bad and all that, but why do people care about someone’s appearance that has nothing to do with the little universe that each of us create for ourselves to live in?  We wonder why so many people in Hollywood choose plastic and silicone over natural beauty...which to be clear includes flaws. I believe it is because people thrive on exposing flaws in a figure that is cast as flawless.

Personally, If I was the topic of obsessed fans and crazed critics I would put on weight (to make myself less appealing to the mentally degenerate) and go into hiding somewhere.

My daughter is a natural at acting and she sings dynamically (all talents that I do not posses) but I would be terrified ...no not would be am terrified to expose her to such harsh criticism. It isn't that I think she couldn't handle it. I don't think I can handle it. I don't see the point in opening yourself up to be picked apart. Granted I can't let what I fear become what she fears so when she is ready I will let her make that choice....just not now. I thank God for those words Not Now...I won't be able to hold on to that peace of mind for very much longer.

Dreams

I love dreaming. No matter what kind of mood I am in or what is going on in life I can count on my dreams to take me on an adventurous, crazy, and sometimes creative ride. Of course all dreams I feel are a form of release or creativity (which everything from a scientific stand point on dreams is debatable I am putting that aside) I think its awesome when you dream that last piece of the puzzle you were looking for. I look forward to my dreams which is saying a lot considering when I have nightmares boy are they ever nightmares. I have them few and far between now. Of course there is the occasional unwanted scenario in a dream but i find even those are welcome. Dreams are like living another life in the safety of your mind. Some would argue that the places and people and objects in a dream are just extensions of the dreamer, and they very well could be, but pretend with me for just a minute.

You’re in your dream state and there’s a person there that you have never met but a part of you feels drawn to that person like he/she is real. You can't see the face all to clearly but you know the face comforts you. (Some could argue that this was the dreamer recognizing pieces of themselves.) But what if ...(there’s those words i like) What IF they are other dreamers, people you were suppose to have met if you had just waited a couple more minutes before leaving the restaurant or if you had taken the subway instead of car pooling....

Despite my writing i believe that nothing is left up to chance. I believe in the God that created the everything...(for those confused about who that is...God in the flesh Jesus) just to clear that up.
The mind and its workings are so complex...and i find it amusing to dream and ponder that fun question, What If.

(I am on an editing strike so i will be leaving any grammatical or spelling errors as they are. I have enough of my internal editor during my writing process, i just want to throw all that away for a minute and focus on just the words that i write.)

What Now

I have been debating that question for the past couple of days. Okay, it may have been months but who is counting. I had decided one lonely night at work that i was going to be inspired to carry my poetry into longer form and create a novel. Now all i needed was something to write about. That shouldn't be hard considering I’m never with out some kind of words to put together, granted I’m not a big out loud talker to people but believe me there is plenty in my mind left unsaid. That funny little quip that i could have released at the co worker who stuck her foot in her mouth, or the loving words i thought about my daughter as she slept so peacefully behind her fort made from a bed sheet and a school student style desk, or the consistency of my husband belting out Chick ah cherry Cola when ever i play a certain song or saying POP when every the radar detector buzzes with a flashing P.

Point is i was going to write, but someone failed to remind me that i have yet to really finish any project outside of work and reading a complete book (believe me the book has to be amazing for me to finish...i have started more books then i have finished.) Why don't i follow through? Its not for lack of interest there are still so many "scenes" for each of my characters to go through, so many experiences that i want to put on paper and have it bound for other to judge and critique...lessen. Maybe that’s my problem, I’m scared to fail? No, i don't feel scared to fail. I may feel unequipped at times, but not afraid of failure, maybe its ADHD.

For years i have focused or blocked out feeling or unwanted thoughts or to many thoughts by touching each finger tip like my fingers are running scales or the frets of a guitar. It has always calmed me and i never looked at it as anything other then an unusual habit. Come to find out it has a name and a purpose; i have noticed i have been doing it a lot more lately. Does that mean anything? Probably not, but back to my non-finishing issues. I have started 4 books. Granted, the first try was a complicated subject. I would start off with something traumatic to learn about. The second was better and i made it through 14 chapters but not with out confusing myself with having 5 main characters (or should i say strong characters) I am compelled to write a prequel story for each character that will probably never see the light of day but non-the less I want write it, i have not finished the initial writing and won't finish until i have sorted that out. The third attempt was better i knew where i was going just not fully enough to not skip around scenes. The fourth was well i started NANO last November and i didn’t want to screw up the book i had started you know the 3rd attempt so i picked an idea out of my idea book (one that i least liked) and went at it. I am still working on that and it is coming along well....that is till i deleted half of it exchanged characters, took out a main antagonist and made the once "good guy" to play a dual character and then from left field comes (insert character name i will not disclose here) who was a minor character that was just a vehicle to play out another scene and now he is the unsuspected hero so to speak. Do i like where it is headed yes! Have I written anything in a week? NO!
I better go break is over at work.
Do i expect anyone to read this? No! But, gohlie gee if i don't feel a little less defective now.
Another thing, I am refusing to edit this i am posting it with typos and grammatical errors and what ever other English language law i broke...